Delivery

Easter Sunday, 4 days after our ultrasound, I woke up at peace. I knew Dilen was at peace. I concentrated on making plans to deliver her still body. A week after our ultrasound, I was admitted to the hospital to try to induce labor. With my 3 c-sections, one being a vertical cut, my OB was being very careful to do things slowly. It was slow. (Before they started anything, they performed another ultrasound. Still no heartbeat. But Dilen had dropped from her place at the side, to right above my cervix. Given another week, my body would have delivered her without induction…did I want to wait another week, um, no. ) The first day Laminaria was inserted, 15 hrs didn’t work the way they were expecting. Pitocin did nothing. 18 hrs of a bulb catheter putting pressure on my cervix got me to 2 cm. Then they added Cervadil which finally worked to start contractions. Six hours later I was at 3 cm. I finally asked for an epidural. Five minutes later, Right before the anesthesiologist came in, the bulb catheter fell out, which meant I was at 4cm. I decided to skip the epidural, 3 contractions later little Dilen was born still on 4-9-10. She was 3.5 oz and 8 in long. It only took 20 min to deliver her placenta.
The staff was very compassionate and helpful. They cleaned her up and took pictures. They brought her to us so we could say our goodbyes. I had hoped that seeing her would bring some closure. I didn’t. It felt wrong. She was so cold and dark. We knew her spirit had been gone from her tiny body for a long time. It wasn’t her anymore.
That night Scott and I both agreed we couldn’t do this again.
I didn’t want to see the inside of a hospital again for ANY reason.
The next day I wanted to want to try again, but I was scared to death.
Today, I want to try again, but I know it’s just to try to get her back.