I have been reading on the grief board. Some mothers are 3,4,6 months past their loss and are still grieving as if it happened yesterday. They have lost themselves in grief. That’s not who I want to be. I don’t want to be defined by my loss and grief. It will always be a part of me, but I don’t want it to be who I am.
Sat April 17, 2010
Feeling better today. I’ve felt this peace before so it makes me wonder if it’s real. Am I really ok? I had a miscarriage in 2002 and I remember mourning the loss. I know I did. But I can’t remember how I felt anymore. The pain of losing Dilen has so overshadowed everything. I do remember feeling this grief when we thought we were losing Nicholas. Scott and I sobbed in the waiting room at 3am when he was in emergency surgery. But that was replaced by relief as he not only survived, but later recovered.
Now there is no relief. Just acceptance. I pray for continued peace. I know now that finding peace after her loss in no way diminishes my love for her. My heart still aches from her loss. Will always ache in remembering her.
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