Reality

Friday, April 16, 2010- 2:40 am
Thought I was doing better..I’m not. Thought I had found peace..I haven’t. I’ve been keeping myself distracted so I didn’t have to think about it. I haven’t been facing the truth, I didn’t want to deal with it. Scott said we can have another baby. I don’t want another baby, I want my daughter back.
It’s Samantha’s birthday today and I’m a wreck. I keep thinking “Dilen” , I keep saying her name, sometimes where Samantha’s name should be. (My first thought was ‘it’s Dilen’s birthday’ I had to correct myself and write ‘Samantha’)
I wanted to hold her. I did. I wanted pictures. I have them. I wanted momentoes and it upsets me that I have no ultrasound pictures of her. I wanted to make sure I had memories of her so I’d never forgot her. How could I think I’d EVER forget her?
9:00am
Early this morning I cried…I sobbed. (Why does your nose get clogged up when you cry?) I couldn’t get to sleep until after 3:30am. (when I had a drink to quiet my mind, bad habit, I know) I woke at 7 after less than 4 hrs of sleep. But I felt better. With each new day comes a new sense of peace. Nighttime is not my friend. Exhaustion brings despair. For my own health and sanity I need to get to sleep at a decent hour.