A new name

So the time has come. He deserves to have his name. The one we picked for him. Ronan Scott Long. Although, since we gave him our girls name in the beginning, we feel they both belong to him.

I know in my heart he was sick. The only results we have are the autopsy results. They couldn't do chromosome testing as his cells didn't grow. I've looked back over the pictures I have. I can see where the cystic hygroma is (why didn't the autopsy report mention it, it does mention he was 'poorly developed', is that part of it?) The cord strictures may have been the ultimate cause of his passing, but he wasn't healthy. He wouldn't have survived.

I had a dream on July 12. Gabriels birthday. I should have been preparing for the arrival of our newest son. But I do feel he came to me. I dreamt I was holding him. I could feel the weight of him in my arms. I was changing his diaper, caressing his head and saw his cystic hygroma. I was able to tell him how much I loved him and wanted him. I felt surrounded by his happiness.

I know he's happy and at peace. I know he knows he's loved and wanted.

I feel selfish that I still want him here with me, even knowing how happy he his.

It was hard to leave the happy, peacefullness of the dream and wake up.